Who am I? (Celebrity Trivia Question)

The other day me and Becky were eating at Dairy Queen and she started playing footsie with me but my gout was flaring up and it hurt so I punched her in the mouth and accidentally knocked her out cold and her face squished into a peanut Buster Parfait. When we got home she was all giving me attitude and I decided to poke holes in the waterbed. That will fix her, she will just be fat, wet, pasty white blob slipping around like a greasy pig. The other day I was taking a dump and it was so big and long I think a piece of my soul escaped, and now I can't remember 1978. And everytime I go in the bathroom my soul is waiting there to choke me and take over, and he is, I mean I am, wearing a leisure suit and platform shoes. I looked, I mean I look ridiculous. Do you think he will be able to overtake me in the present? I always wear a garlic necklace because it works on Dracula too, and kill two birds with one stone. Dracula will bite the holy bejeesus out of you if you let him, and it takes like a week to heal and everyone thinks you were making out with your sister again and I told them that we were just joking and that was like 2 years ago, and her teeth are not that big really.